Anonymous asked: I'm sorry you are feeling down. I think you seem like such an interesting person who has been through so much bad. I wish I knew you in real life or could help you in some way. I'll be sending good gives your way!

It’s alright, I’m accustomed to it. My life’s always been that way, but I’m optimistic about it, so it’s bound to turn around someday, someday real soon I imagine, too! :D

Thank you!

We could know each other, at least on here, if you’d come off anon. I don’t bite.

My health. School. Living up to expectations. Stress. The weight of responsibilities I never asked for.

It’s amazing that I can even handle all of this.

Actually, scratch that, there’s one big thing I can’t juggle inside all of the madness which my life has transformed to be.

It never used to be this way.

ugh.

I’m at Narith’s house for his little brothers birthday BBQ celebration. There’s a grip of Vincent’s immediate relatives here too, and Narith’s girlfriend, Rochelle. We’ve been kickin’ it and relaxing, drinking Pepsi’s and just relaxing. It’s probably been one of the easiest going Saturday’s I’ve had in a long time. No stress, no responsibilities; it’s givin’ me a vibe of the old times, it’s reminiscent to be honest.

It’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve been anywhere, doing whatever I want, with him, or anyone really. It’s nice, to be free. I miss it to death, I can’t believe I spent a minute not doing this, It’s hard to imagine frankly. Ha, frankly, Sita, Narith’s mom, her boyfriends name is Frank. Dude makes the meanest BBQ I’ve ever had, god damn do I love home grilling. Anyway though, back to the point: This is one hell of a day. It’s pretty spectacular, even with it being simple and easy going, but then again what else is more fantastic than feeling amazing by such simple things? Take joy in the simplest of things, simplicity in life is easy, easy is nice, nice is great. Great is, well, great. Why wouldn’t you want to feel great? I know I miss it, sure do. Why, I would give almost anything to feel this way any day, everyday. Yep, sure would.

It’s funny, in a sense, but then again I don’t think it’s funny at all. I think it’s kind of… nice. Refreshing, maybe; definitely rejuvenating though. It’s simple, it’s nice, it’s easy; I imagine it’s the kind of greatness you’d feel swelling up inside of you from each deep breath inhaled, gulping the mountainous air frosty from the night so up high, watching the sun rise over frozen, cloud white mountain tips striking up in the sky (like the Earth was trying to reach for the glowing glory of the stars like we do, trying to reach for the moon; but like us, it’s reach wasn’t quite long enough) made twinkled by the brilliant shine of our beloved star. I think sitting here with these two kids (one I grew up, the other I’ve only met today) snuggle and snog each other on Narith’s bed, under his blankets is kind of like being in the presence of something magnificent happening, something incredible in the making. I’m here in the same space of such a power that, by god, I’m even absorbing some of it’s benevolence into myself, to be accepted, cherished, nurtured and loved, divided and split up, spilled forth and spread out, and given away to others. 

I gotta’ admit, it’s amazing; I don’t think there’s any better way to describe it. No amount of words. no pretty poetic lines, no dazzling sentences or professor-proof essays could better captivate moments and beings and places and feelings such as these than by the simplistic and implying word of “Amazing.”

It is truly, utterly, wholly, amazing.

I hope this feeling never goes away, I don’t want to lose it (I’m not even sure I’ve ever had it, and I’m even less sure that I’ve gotten it now, also).

I hope they never do either, it sure doesn’t seem like they will.

Sed vivo malum vitam. Non iam meus corpus nocui, sed semper misemque solum. Studium casum omnis ob bonam adduco.

Misem, et misem magne et solum.

Mors cupio.
Mors cupio.
Mors cupio.

Cupio.